Hello... Is this thing on?

I graduated today.... from "severely depressed" to "hey I am doing great".  I also had an epiphany at the shrink appointment.  She has asked me several times over the last 4 weeks or so that I have been seeing her, "what are you looking for in a relationship?" "What do you want?" "What do you need?" Each week I left there with the task of figuring it out. And each week when she asked again I sat there scratching my head and saying “I just don’t know”.  Today, we figured it out. She asked me to think back of the one thing that was consistently missing in each relationship.  What gives makes me anxious when it’s not there? One thing came to mind…Communication.  First husband went over a year without saying he loved me after we had been married several years.  One day I asked him, will I ever hear it again?  He said he didn’t know if he loved me or if he even ever did.  I was crushed.  I immediately went to me, it was something I had done, said, didn’t do well enough, didn’t look like he wanted.  We tried counseling for a couple of sessions and when asked if we would like to continue he indicated that he just didn’t have time to continue, he was busy at work and wasn’t interested.  Thoughts to self…. I am not good enough or worthy of working on our marriage. I spiraled, went on a self improvement kick and found a new husband who did love me.  Of course at this time ex1 decided that I was worthy and wanted to take an interest in my life.  Too little too late.

Jump ahead ten years and new husband and I have been married about 7 years.  I was driving a Ford Mustang Convertible that I loved but one snowy January night I was driving home from work and my car decided to lose control and head straight into oncoming traffic.  Luckily I was able to gain control and get back in my lane before they reached me.  But I decided I needed a better, more practical car if I was going to be commuting over 50 miles a day.  I researched and told husband that I was going to go look at a Hyundai after work.  He just sorted of grunted in the phone and we ended the call.  I went to the dealership, tried out the Sante Fe that I really wanted but the price was out of my range.  So I looked at a brand new left over Elantra.  The price was right, it had great safety ratings, good mileage ratings, and my payment would be less than I was already paying.  So I bought it.  I drove home so proud that I was able to wheel and deal them down.  My mother taught me at a young age that everything was pretty much negotiable and she was right.  You can’t ALWAYS but more times than not you can deal.  When I got home I told husband I had bought the car.  He never said one word to me. I thought he was angry that I was late getting home and didn’t phone.  So, the next day… still no words, or the next and next for a month; Yes a whole month.  He finally softened and we went along our lives.  For one reason or another we ended up in counseling and THAT was when he told me, several YEARS later, that he was angry that I had not consulted with him on such a large purchase.  I am still shaking my head at that one.  I had my own well paying job, my credit score got him out of trouble, yet I needed to consult with him on buying a car? 

Jump ahead another 7 or so years and here I am “dating” or trying to anyways.  I meet someone I like, we go out a few times, I ask why he doesn’t have a photo on his online profile and he says that he doesn’t know how to upload one. Ok, I get that. On our third date I secretly take his picture to show my mom who was staying with me for a few weeks.  I felt sort of guilty so I emailed him and told him that I told mom I had lunch with a great guy.  He got very angry with me for taking his photo. Told me to get lose it. Was not happy with how things were playing out. I was dumbfounded. What had I done?  I took a stupid photo and anyone who knows me at all knows I take a LOT of pictures.  So I flat out asked him “so what? are we done now?” He said to go on my weekend trip I had planned and we would talk when I returned.  OK – GUYS read this… do not do that to a woman.  It ruined my weekend. My stomach was in knots. I was worried and anxious all weekend. When I returned home I emailed him and told him I was home.  He called and we made small talk and he came out and said “so shall we talk about this?” and we did. We worked through it and moved on.  We ended up dating a few more months when it all went silent again. I still don’t know what happened there but it has brought me here.

What could have solved these issues long before they became an issue?  Communication.  We are not mind readers people, we have to speak up.  We learn to interact with boyfriends and girlfriends with straightforward questions. “I like you, do you like me?  Circle one YES/NO” If you got a no, ok you moved on. Somehow it all got messed up.  I think when we stopped passing notes we started wondering and assuming and listening to the little voices in our heads. So from now on, if someone is not doing something I want them to do, or not doing something I want, or even if they are doing something I want, I am going to tell them.  It’s a start anyway!