Today I....

Today I noticed:

Today while driving to work I notice a FedEx driver laughing his head off in his truck while driving down the road.  I guess I am not the only one who talks to myself and cracks myself up.  Whether I am on my bike or in my car, I always look at the other drivers while I drive down the road.  Most of the time on the way to work they are half asleep or putting on makeup.  Though one day this week there was a lady reading the paper while driving.  That isn't too bright if you ask me.  If I am on the bike and see people texting or not paying attention I sometimes ride up next to them and tell them to cut that crap out.  Though there was one lady who just happened to be looking at her hands or something.  I apologized to her.

Today I felt:

Today I felt really REALLY tired.  I slept really well (or I thought I did anyway).  I got a solid 8 hours of sleep with only one little pee break for Buffy (and myself too).  I do have to say that my dreams have been very lucid and vivid these last few days.  I have been "working" all night long a lot from what I can remember.  I know that it is going to be a long day when I dream about sleeping.  You would think that would be like double dipping but nope, still tired.

Today I am grateful for:

Today I am grateful for a good job.  The companies that I work for are both good to their employees and compensate for jobs well done. Throughout my life I have been laid off several times and fired a few times though I am still scratching my head over those.  I have always been able to land on my feet.  There have been setback but each time I find a good position that may not pay as well but does appreciate me for my work ethic. I am glad I don't have to punch a time clock most days though.

Today I realized:

Today I realized that even though I don't have love, I am loved.  Maybe the person I need isn't quite ready for me yet and I just have to give it time. I have hope for the future.

Blessed ... But...

As most people who know me at all are aware, I do not like holidays. It's getting harder and harder to remember the last time I enjoyed them. I think it goes back at least 9 or 10 years now. I used to love the gatherings of friends and family, the decorating and the lights. I used to love shopping for just the perfect gift for someone and wrapping it. Now not so much. I see the trees in people's homes and people shopping and it makes me sad. I used to love the music and would sing at the top of my lungs. Now if I hear them all I hear is sadness and quickly change the station. I want to find Christmas again. I keep looking and maybe someday I will find it.

http://youtu.be/TQqZU14kgOg

Personality types and typos

A few years ago my company required everyone to participate in a Meyers Briggs Type Indicator (BMTI) test to see where we fit in the big picture. Each person is assigned 1 out of the 16 personality types. extraversion (E), sensing (S), thinking (T), judgment (J) introversion (I), intuition (N), feeling (F), perception (P) I happen to be ENFP. Basically it means I am an extravert who uses intuition over sensing, feeling over thinking, and perception over judging. After we took the test we went along our daily lives. Well thankfully I work for a great company who actually invests in their employees. Today I participated in a follow up 5 hour class that explained so much about what those letters mean and the differences between the types. I had an epiphany! We should teach this in high school. Or have it required before marriage licenses are issued. If I knew what triggers introverts to crawl into their shells I could have possible avoided two marriages and eventually divorces. I could have learned how to better communicate with an introvert. Like how was I supposed to know that constant talking would drive them deeper? So over the next few weeks I am going to dig deeper and see what else I can find out about myself. If you would like to know more about the MBTI you can read about it here. http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myers-Briggs_Type_Indicator#section_1

Taming the Squirrel

How many of us live our lives on full screech mode? I know I do. I think a thought, push it to the back of my brain file cabinet to reflect on "someday" and never get back to it or forget what the original thought was to begin with. This week when I went to visit my wonderful shrink, I thought hmmm I'll bring a pad of paper and a pen and take notes. The first thing I wrote down was "tame the squirrel" I always feel like a squirrel rushing around trying to get all my nuts in a row and they always end up all over the damn place with no two nuts in the same spot! So this is why I'm reflecting. Like I said in a previous blog, I have to organize my thoughts and noodle them through so I can make them sound somewhat coherent when I get them on here for you to read. I recently had an opportunity to take a seminar on strategic thinking. I took notes to share some ideas on setting up a personal mission statement. If I can find my notes I will write about how to do it and what mine is. Now if I make myself do the same thing with house work maybe I could have a clean house! Nah one mountain at a time!

It's been a while

I'm sorry that it has been so long. I had a setback and lost the desire to share very much. I now realize that I need to share what it bothering me or I'm feeling in order to get it out of my head or my heart. I feel better when I write and not weighed down. I think it makes me think it through and deal with it so I can write coherently.

So tonight I need to be true to myself. I need to trust myself. And I need to honor myself as I would my best friend.

Create a personal mission statement

Personal mission statement... you become what you think about. In one of my recent seminars I attended on strategic thinking and goal planning we were told to create a personal mission statement. Successful businesses and successful people have plans goals and mission statements. I googled personal mission statement and found a plethora of examples. I copied and pasted, cut and added and below are a couple of starting points for my PMS. It's not an easy task. I encourage you to try. Use these statements as a mantra. Repeat it daily or several times a day. Edit it when things change or you change.

I will maintain a positive attitude and a sense of humor in everything I do. I want to be known by my business associates as a fair and honest person and my friends as someone they can count on to earn their respect. Controlling all my actions is a strong sense of integrity which I believe is the most important character trait.

For myself, I want to develop self-knowledge, self-love, and self-allowing. I want to use my healing talents to keep hope alive and express my vision courageously in work and action. In my family, I want to build healthy, loving relationships in which we let each other become our best selves. At work, I want to establish a fault-free, self-perpetuating, learning environment. In the world, I want to nurture the development of all life forms, in harmony with the laws of nature.

They May Not Be Human But They Are Still My Kids

I have had them all kittens, puppies, ponies, horses, cows, rabbits, hamsters, gerbils, chickens, ducks, and even a few fish. I grew up on a farm. I am the youngest of four kids. They were all older so I was left to amuse myself most of the time. I spent hours playing and talking to my fur friends. They all listened to me and we had our own languages. Even now my furkids and I have our own language.  I have songs for each one. My day starts with Buffy letting me know my alarm has gone off the maximum four times and she says “no more five more minutes’ mom!  I have to pee!.  I stumble out of bed, down the stairs for Buff to go and I grab a coffee (thank you Mr. Coffee maker timer).  Buffy barks once to let me know she is done. Off we go upstairs for shower.  I walk into the bathroom and Lucy peaks out of the shower curtain, ready for her job.  She tests the water for me to make sure that it’s just right.  Yes, she showers with me. We sing along together. “I have three good girls, one is covered in curls, they have teeth and like to bite but I still love them with all my might!”  Then there is “Lucy Goosey she’s my pretty kitty, Harley Marley she’s so itty bitty, Buffy Duffy she’s my bestest buddy, I am just the luckiest Mommy… in the whole wide world!” of course this was composed when Harley was a kitten.  I can also whistle and they all come running.  I can click my tongue and they know what I want.  And forget if I just want to sing along to the radio. Mom reminded me a while ago of when I was learning to play the clarinet in school I would go way down in the pasture so no one could hear me struggling.  I never realized it but she said she would look down out and see me sitting on a rock and all the cows had gathered around to listen to me.  I can imagine how that must looked and I never realized it. When I get home in the evening now, my three are all at the door waiting for the key to turn to great me.  When I was tossing Buffy treats one night Harley would go sit next to her.  One night I tossed her one and she caught it in her paws and popped it into her mouth.  Now all three get their special treats every night. When I sit in my recliner to write or watch TV, as right now, there is a poodle to my right, Lucy to my left and Harley on the back of the chair.  Same when I go to bed.  Buffy is spooning with me, Lucy is either on my hip or stomach (occasionally right on my bladder!) And Harley is on my headboard watching over us.  She will come and keep my feet warm for me too.  I have had to help many over the Rainbow Bridge to wait for me at the other side when it is my time.  It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.  But my theory is, furkids and humans are given the same amount of love when they enter the world.  Furkids give their love so freely and unconditionally that theirs is used up much faster and they must leave to be reborn as new furkids.  Humans not so much… maybe that is why elderly folks sometimes get cranky, they used up all their love early on and just haven’t moved on yet. So you all can have your real kids.  God knew that I couldn’t handle having that kind around so either by design or intervention he decided that I should be the Furmom. To me; that means for life.  I am not one to get a pet and not keep it through to the end as hard as that may be.  It is a choice I have made in my life.  Only two times have I ever adopted a pet and had to find a new home for them.  That was only because they were not a good fit with the other furkids in the family and they both went to fabulous homes where they fit in great. 

x

We Are the Aggregate of Our Life Experiences

Whatever that saying is I do believe its true. I believe that we are a sum of our experiences in life. Mom told me of a man she dated back in the day. Had she married him and raised her family would we be who we are now? I would not have been raised on a farm in the country but would have been a city girl like my mom was/is. Mom tried hard to make me a girlie girl but the farm roots were too deep. I have had a variety of jobs and experiences in my 48 1/2 years. I've done manufacturing, sales, retail, blue collar, white collar, and no collar. Each of these jobs helped lead me to where I am today though I'm not sure what part the ladies lingerie has in my current life but maybe that is for a future endeavor! I've been laid off and I've been fired from jobs. Each time I have been lucky to find bigger and better opportunities around the corner. I don't always see the situation as a clear cut good thing at the time but hind sight is 20/20. As I go through this mate finding ritual called dating, I'm finding that there are some opportunities for improvement on selection as well as adjusting my own behavior. Because if you know me at all you know that I need work! So keep your heads high, if today doesn't work out as planned you can chalk it up as experience and use it in your résumé for tomorrow.

It's The Little Things

Little things are what make this crazy world bearable.  I try to do little things for those I care about.  Holding the door open for someone or picking up something they dropped? Someone I have been talking with once asked me what makes me smile on the inside.  It made me think about what does make me smile… here is my list.

• The sounds of my mom’s voice
• Being greeted at the door after work by all three furkids
• The smell of puppy breath
• The sound of the first leaves of spring rustling in a breeze
• Kisses and Poodle Hugs from Buffy
• Getting a text or email from someone special first thing in the morning and last thing at night
• The smell of dirt and freshly mowed grass in spring
• Riding a long and windy country road and smelling the smells of the country
• Sitting in my backyard watching the day sky turn into evening sky.
• Riding all the way to work and not hitting one red light




What are the little things in life that make you smile?



Harley






Lucy






Long and winding road



relaxing in the backyard



Evening sky from my yard



Commuting 



Me & Mom

• 

  2 of the 3 furkids

  

  Puppy Love!

Powerless? Never!

How do you define power?  Well the OxfordDictionary says 1. the ability or capacity to dosomething or act in a particular way, 2. the capacity or ability to direct or influencethe behavior of others or the course of events,  3. physical strength and force exerted by something or someone,  4. energy that is produced by mechanical, electrical, or othermeans and used to operate a device etc.  This week we saw several powersin action.  We saw the power of a drop of water when combined with manyothers can cripple one of the largest cities in the world.  We saw agentle breeze turn into a hurricane so large that it covered 2/3 of our greatcountry.  We saw the power go out when these forces took down power grids,power stations, power lines and power poles.  As my power went out lastnight I knew it would be a while before it came back on.  The force of thewind was so strong that it made the rain drops sound like rocks being thrownagainst my windows and siding.  I settled into my recliner, covered myselfin a quilt, and surrounded myself with my furkids.  I read on my KindleFire until the batter power was exhausted then moved on up to bed.  Residingin the city, we have the luxury of being able to use water.  Having grownup on a farm I remembered we needed to bring a bucket of water in to flush. On the city water system we use the power of gravity to do the work.  Some of my friends and neighbors may still bepowerless but candle power and battery power are available.   

We have also been witness tothe power of community.  There is powerin numbers but we are more than just numbers. Neighbors helping neighbors, checking in to make sure we are all ok. Wesaw the power of social network communities where our friends a thousand milesaway prayed to the powers above for our safety and well being.  So whether you have power or not, know thatthere is power everywhere.  If you loseone form, reach into the darkness and you will find another power. 

Two Steps Forward and One Step Back

The title says it all today.  As I thought I had met someone who "got" me and made a connection it appeared to be wishful thinking on my part.  I let me guard down for a moment and SLAM back to reality. Lesson learned.

Being responsible

I have been working with a money coach these last couple of months. I signed up through the employee assistance program at my company. It has been an eye opener for me for sure. I have always had fabulous credit since my mom consigned my first loan for my first car to establish credit. Great credit comes with high available credit on credit cards as well as good interest rates. I have been able to keep things under control over the years or at least bail myself out rather quickly. Well this last year has been one of over spending and trying to keep up with my friends. Now in paying the bill for this. I was able to transfer to an interest free 18 months to pay off everything. This cost me a mere 2% transfer fee which is far better than the interest rate I was paying. Today I accompanied my BFF to a Harley store where she bought a new bike. As I waited I looked at all the t-shirts on the clearance rack and thought about all the HD shirts I already have. How many can one woman wear anyhow? I'm proud to say I didn't even buy a $2. poker chip! I think I'm learning!

Good Things Come to Those Who Wait

As I mentioned in a previous post, patience is not something I was blessed with. After my second divorce I tried to date but found that I just wasn't ready to make that emotional jump. I tried again a year or so later by signing onto a dating site but found the rejection or lack of curtesy too much to take. So again I took myself off the site. When Steve (ex2) passed away I had a very difficult time with emotions. After a little over a year after his passing I was finally feeling I could do this. I could start again. I signed back up on the site. This time was different. I felt better about the people I was talking with. There were/are some real nut jobs out there. But for the most part I have been able to steer clear of them. I met "T" and had a good 4 months with him but now hindsight tells me that I really didn't have a relationship with him but rather I was an option for him to stop by for dinner or have someone to do an occasional bike ride or movie. He never intended to have a relationship. It took some time but I now know that it wasn't so much him that I missed but the thought of a person to call mine. My mate, partner, my significant other. I want to be part of a team. I need/want a partner in crime. The other half of my dynamic duo. (No spandex required). I hear that good things come to those who wait... I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Friend Good!

Friends: Sometimes we have friends that are more like family than our own families. We have friends that we can call and pick up right where they left off months or even years ago.  There are friends that come into our lives only to leave right away.  Sometimes they stay for a long time and for one reason or another they are suddenly gone leaving a wide open hole in our hearts.  This hole takes a long time to heal.  Sometimes it is never quite the same.  Then along comes a new friend who knows what you are going through from their own experiences.   Someone you instantly feel connected to.  They know your thoughts before you think them. They fit in your life like a comfortable old pair of jeans.  They are fun to be around, easy to talk with, to confide in and to relate to.  I bet several people reading this right now are thinking that I must be talking about them… truth is I am.  I cherish all my friends.  I know what limits I need to set with some and what privileges I can allow a few.  I have friends that drive me nuts but I still love them and wouldn’t trade them for the world.  I have been trying to keep myself out of awkward scenarios and avoid confrontation but I need to be true to myself too.  If I hurt anyone in the process I am truly sorry.  I had a friend of many years “ditch” me several years ago and it was one of the most painful things I ever went though.  It felt to me as if that person had died.  For a long time I didn’t have a real explanation for her sudden departure from my life.  Finally a mutual friend told me one of the real reasons was that she didn’t like some of my recent life choices.  They probably were not the best choices but they were mine and mine alone to make.  No one was hurt in the process.  Today as I look back on that friendship I try to remember the good times we had, the laughs, the tears, the joys and the sorrows.  I smile and can finally move on.  I am hoping this coming winter will be a season of new beginnings for me.  I have a feeling that I am about to embark on a new and exciting journey; a new chapter in the book of me.

Patience is Not My Virtue - Yet!

Patience: According to the dictionary is “The capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.” I do have trouble with that one.  If you know me at all you know that this is so not me.  However, tonight my very own mother told me I had patience.  If I have any it’s because of her.  And still after 48 ½ years she is still teaching me.  SHE is the one who has patience.  Who knew that she could face time with me on her iPad, go to her computer to find that password to her wifi network in order to set up her iPhone to facetime?  We used every piece of technology she has tonight! Thank God for Google and facetime.  I need to learn patience in waiting for a call or a text. I don’t get angry but I do get anxious. Brian Adams says “Learn the art of patience. Apply discipline to your thoughts when they become anxious over the outcome of a goal. Impatience breeds anxiety, fear, discouragement and failure. Patience creates confidence, decisiveness, and a rational outlook, which eventually leads to success.”  I think I will work on this one and let you know how it turns out.

Mom on her 85th birthday

Hello... Is this thing on?

I graduated today.... from "severely depressed" to "hey I am doing great".  I also had an epiphany at the shrink appointment.  She has asked me several times over the last 4 weeks or so that I have been seeing her, "what are you looking for in a relationship?" "What do you want?" "What do you need?" Each week I left there with the task of figuring it out. And each week when she asked again I sat there scratching my head and saying “I just don’t know”.  Today, we figured it out. She asked me to think back of the one thing that was consistently missing in each relationship.  What gives makes me anxious when it’s not there? One thing came to mind…Communication.  First husband went over a year without saying he loved me after we had been married several years.  One day I asked him, will I ever hear it again?  He said he didn’t know if he loved me or if he even ever did.  I was crushed.  I immediately went to me, it was something I had done, said, didn’t do well enough, didn’t look like he wanted.  We tried counseling for a couple of sessions and when asked if we would like to continue he indicated that he just didn’t have time to continue, he was busy at work and wasn’t interested.  Thoughts to self…. I am not good enough or worthy of working on our marriage. I spiraled, went on a self improvement kick and found a new husband who did love me.  Of course at this time ex1 decided that I was worthy and wanted to take an interest in my life.  Too little too late.

Jump ahead ten years and new husband and I have been married about 7 years.  I was driving a Ford Mustang Convertible that I loved but one snowy January night I was driving home from work and my car decided to lose control and head straight into oncoming traffic.  Luckily I was able to gain control and get back in my lane before they reached me.  But I decided I needed a better, more practical car if I was going to be commuting over 50 miles a day.  I researched and told husband that I was going to go look at a Hyundai after work.  He just sorted of grunted in the phone and we ended the call.  I went to the dealership, tried out the Sante Fe that I really wanted but the price was out of my range.  So I looked at a brand new left over Elantra.  The price was right, it had great safety ratings, good mileage ratings, and my payment would be less than I was already paying.  So I bought it.  I drove home so proud that I was able to wheel and deal them down.  My mother taught me at a young age that everything was pretty much negotiable and she was right.  You can’t ALWAYS but more times than not you can deal.  When I got home I told husband I had bought the car.  He never said one word to me. I thought he was angry that I was late getting home and didn’t phone.  So, the next day… still no words, or the next and next for a month; Yes a whole month.  He finally softened and we went along our lives.  For one reason or another we ended up in counseling and THAT was when he told me, several YEARS later, that he was angry that I had not consulted with him on such a large purchase.  I am still shaking my head at that one.  I had my own well paying job, my credit score got him out of trouble, yet I needed to consult with him on buying a car? 

Jump ahead another 7 or so years and here I am “dating” or trying to anyways.  I meet someone I like, we go out a few times, I ask why he doesn’t have a photo on his online profile and he says that he doesn’t know how to upload one. Ok, I get that. On our third date I secretly take his picture to show my mom who was staying with me for a few weeks.  I felt sort of guilty so I emailed him and told him that I told mom I had lunch with a great guy.  He got very angry with me for taking his photo. Told me to get lose it. Was not happy with how things were playing out. I was dumbfounded. What had I done?  I took a stupid photo and anyone who knows me at all knows I take a LOT of pictures.  So I flat out asked him “so what? are we done now?” He said to go on my weekend trip I had planned and we would talk when I returned.  OK – GUYS read this… do not do that to a woman.  It ruined my weekend. My stomach was in knots. I was worried and anxious all weekend. When I returned home I emailed him and told him I was home.  He called and we made small talk and he came out and said “so shall we talk about this?” and we did. We worked through it and moved on.  We ended up dating a few more months when it all went silent again. I still don’t know what happened there but it has brought me here.

What could have solved these issues long before they became an issue?  Communication.  We are not mind readers people, we have to speak up.  We learn to interact with boyfriends and girlfriends with straightforward questions. “I like you, do you like me?  Circle one YES/NO” If you got a no, ok you moved on. Somehow it all got messed up.  I think when we stopped passing notes we started wondering and assuming and listening to the little voices in our heads. So from now on, if someone is not doing something I want them to do, or not doing something I want, or even if they are doing something I want, I am going to tell them.  It’s a start anyway!

It's All Relative

Reflections October 21, 2012:

Today I had the honor to officiate the wedding ceremony for my distant cousin Jaret and his beautiful bride Jessica.  In Maine, a Notary Puplic is allowed to perform marriages. I have done several so far mostly for friends and family.  I do have to say that this one touched me far more than most.  It was a beautiful setting in a large field.  The sky was alive with cumulus clouds both dark and light.  These clouds floated across the sky making the most beautiful light show with the spectacular fall colors. After the ceremony the bride’s nieces and nephews played with toy airplanes in the field.  

 

Waiting for the bride to arrive

It brought me back to the days when we would all gather after a day of haying at my Aunt Mildred’s farm and have a cookout.  I remember the large trees that shaded the front yard, the high bush blueberries down the long driveway, the old railroad car transformed into a couple of horse stalls and the fields. All of us cousins would be running around playing hide & seek, red rover, and the older kids would always play their favorite game, pick on the little kids. Just kidding, I don’t remember that happening much there.  Some of my favorite memories of family came from that farm.  The house seemed a thousand years old back then.  It had creaky wood floors that if you dropped a ball it would roll away.  

After the ceremony

Beautiful Carrot Cake (was darn good too)

I remember one night the “old folks” were telling stories about the house and some of the “odd things” that happened.  Yes ghost stories.  And wouldn't you know, I was staying the night that night.  I may not be close to all of my relatives and there are a few (OK one) that I would like to never ever see again, but for the most part I enjoy when we get together.  I don’t know about you but I find that cousins get along much better than siblings. We are related but don’t have to live the same house.  As I moved along through the years, I didn't really stay in touch with many of my cousins for various reasons.  But now, through Facebook and oddly enough, words with friends, I am able to keep in close touch with the long lost cousins.  And today I got to see some of those cousins and meet a few more.

 

Grandmother, Father, & Princess three generations of cousins

I couldn't resist this one

See what I mean?

My First Blog Entry

Thank you for stopping by.  My name is Lisa Simmons and this is my first Blog.  I have been writing a daily reflections on my Facebook page since the beginning of October.  I have found this to be very therapeutic and popular with my friends, so I decided to broaden reach to the rest of the world.  I hope you find this helpful and entertaining.  I also hope it can assist you to reflect on your own life.

This is how I see myself

 I am going to begin by adding the first twenty reflections that I have written in order to have them all in one place.

But this is who I am - with my best friend and sidekick Buffy

Reflection day 1 - 10/1/12
How do describe "TRUST" - or give an example.

Reflection day 2 - 10/2/12 - I almost forgot...
Today I took time to do something for myself. What did you do for yourself today?

Reflection October 3, 2012 - a dear friend made my day and thinking of her and her recent events I will be asking to see a dermatologist to begin annual skin checks for melanoma. Take your health into your own hands.

Reflection October 4, 2012 - just because you have credit doesn't mean you should use it. I have officially removed my credit cards from my wallet. I CAN NOT make myself cut them up. But this time I am going to make progress with debt reduction. Check outwww.powerpay.org

if you need help. My money coach recommended it to me.

Reflection day 5 & 6. I missed last night. I got a text that someone I was hoping to meet was in Wells. I sent him to Duffy's in Kennebunk and rode out to meet him. He was sweet, kind, and has a great smile. It was so spur of the moment I went as I was. So there were no smoke and mirrors. I was who I am, Harley riding, work boot wearing, jeans and t-shirt girl. No makeup, hair by Harley and a genuine smile. Lesson: Be yourself. It's way easier to maintain that image! Today, I got a text from another friend I've been talking with asking if I wanted to dinner. I said sure but mom was coming too. Fun night, I couldn't get a word in edgewise. Not my kind of guy but sweet, gentle and a great smile too. Lesson: never pass up a chance to meet new friends. It's the only way to know and stop wondering.

Reflection 10/8: I asked a week or so ago, who do you trust and why? But today I want to know how do you trust yourself? We have all made mistakes and we try to make better choices in life but how do we trust ourselves to make the right, moral, and safe choices for ourselves? We are better at making those for others. How do you do it?

Reflection 10/9: it's amazing how an image, a smell, a taste or a sound can bring memories flooding back in a split second. My heart leapt straight to my throat thus morning and my day was a mess from all the extra emotional baggage it left behind. What was the trigger? A vehicle, same color and model and the first two characters of the license plate matched another that was near and dear. I guess my emotions were running high because mom had just drove (or rode as the case may be) into the sunrise. Cherish the time you have. No one knows how fast it will be gone. I love you mom. And for those other memories? There will always be a place in my heart for you.

Reflections 10/10: "that's how I roll" we have all heard it and may have said it. For me, it means that I am what I am; I'm trying hard to say how I feel, what I think, and why. I am true to myself. I may have not always been a good daughter, a good friend, a good spouse, a good coworker, or a good person in the past. But... I CAN try to be those things in the future. My actions are matching my words. My words are my promise. Someone read my online dating site profile and commented to me "I read your profile. You’re about as down to earth as possible. With a sense of honor." That's how I roll.

Reflection 10/11: where is your "dark side"? Is it a place you retreat to when you are hurt or broken? Is it a secret that you hold from the rest of the world? Truth is we all have a dark side. Mine washes over me like a fierce storm cloud sometimes, complete with rain, hail, wind, and chaos. I had a moment tonight. I'm not sure what brought it on but once it was here it became its own entity and tried to engulf me. Luckily I have great friends in this little device I hold in my hand. I had three with me in a moment’s notice. Reminding me that what I was mourning wasn't good for me anyway, another that tomorrow is a new day and if I start the day on a happy note and keep that happy thought growing throughout the day it will overtake that dark cloud, and most importantly the third friend reminded me that I am not alone. There are other people looking for what they need to get out of their own dark place. I don't know if my reflections are helping anyone out here. But I hope they are at least giving you something to reflect on in your own lives. As for me... I need a new dark side... This one doesn't have any damn cookies!

Reflections 10/12: relationships and marriage, I have seen some that work, some that don't and even a few that shouldn't. We all struggle to find our soul mates. We sometimes think we have found them only to find out that a piece was missing or the link was broken my mistrust or abuse. But sometimes the links really are forever. For example, I have some very dear friends who are still very much in love after many years together. They still touch each other and speak to each other with warmth and respect. I know another dear couple that I met right here in Facebook. They both worked on my Farmtown farm for me and we became what I would consider close friends, I am even close with their daughter. These people work hard every day to keep their relationships strong, new fibers of time are wound to tighten the bonds. They inspire me with their devotion to each other. I was married to my soul mate and we let the bond weaken and wither. For one reason or another we couldn't make it work. But one bond remained and that was the love and respect I have for Steve. Should we have worked harder at our relationship? Hindsight says yes but I think God was preparing me and knew that I would not be able to handle when he became sick and passed. To this day I get choked up thinking about him and regretting my choices. But I can't go back, I need to move forward and if a new love finds me I will work daily at strengthening the bond and adding fibers of trust and understanding to that bond. I just pray that I haven't wasted my one chance. What do you do to keep your bond strong?

Reflections 10/14: Depression may be described as feeling sad, blue, unhappy, miserable, or down in the dumps. Most of us feel this way at one time or another for short periods. True clinical depression is a mood disorder in which feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration interfere with everyday life for weeks or longer. I have been diagnosed and am being treated. I told someone that I had recently met this a few weeks ago. They called me a liar today. When I asked him what I had lied about he said. "Since I met you, you seem to be out a lot and happy. You're always on your motorcycle and that seems to keep you happy. You just don't seem to be somebody with depression issues." I told him that I had to force myself to go out and do things. That if I stayed home and wallowed I would be crying uncontrollably. I find things to do to keep myself busy and not let depression get the best of me. I see what it has done to other members of my family and I decided to get help. I didn't turn to illegal drugs or alcohol but sought help of a professional. It seems to be working. If you or someone you love shows signs of depression and you want to learn more about this disorder you can go to http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001941/ and PLEASE don't just tell them to "suck it up" or "stop being grumpy" because they don't have any control over it. Trust me, no one wants to feel this way.

Reflections 10/15: I'm sure you have all heard that U2 song Still Haven't Found What I Am looking For. What ARE we looking for? I was recently asked what I was looking for in a relationship. I really couldn't answer. I thought about it long and hard (no pun intended here). I answered that I'm looking for a long term, someone who will accept me as I am. Someone who will make me a priority as that is how I am when in a relationship. But what does that really mean? "Make me a priority" Well today, I learned about "The 5 A's" Acceptance, Affection, Allowing, Appreciation, and Attention. Acceptance for being who you are, how you look, and having your own personality. Affection makes us feel lovable. Allowing gives us freedom to pursue our deepest needs, values and wishes. Appreciation generates self-worth and Attention from others leads to self respect. I did not make these up, they are from a book by David Richo's book "How to be an Adult in Relationships" It is a start to make me think about what I what I do want and what I should probably should give. I think the hardest one I could give is Allowing... this one makes me anxious. If I allow, will he find something better? Will he find something he is passionate about that I can’t do or keep up with? I guess I will have to work on this one more. My question to you tonight, what do you want or make your relationship work?

Reflections 10/16: wow, what a roller coaster ride today was. Work was busy, appointment after work, getting ready for a first date with lobsta boy and I felt the earth move under my feet. I would have sworn a car hit the house. Once all that excitement settled down I posted that I was on my way to meet the man of my dreams. I hopped on the bike and off I went to Pats Pizza in Scarborough. He met me with a great big hug! The date went well. I got some questions answered and I will see him again. But that's not what I want to talk about today. When I posted my status, I got comments and likes; it warms my heart that no matter how I feel or act I ALWAYS have my peeps here watching out for me. In the same way I watch out for my peeps. If they seem sad or down I try to give encouragement if they are happy I rejoice with them. Facebook started out as Farmtown for me. A friend gig me hooked but as the time went in and we moved away from Farmtown, the friends I have made along the harvests have lasted. To tonight I thank Facebook for bringing me closer to my friends old new and future.

Reflections 10/17: Honesty is a very big word. As I go through the POF (plenty of fish dating website) profiles, is see that everyone is looking for an honest person. Who would want to look for a dishonest person? As I move forward in my quest for love I am finding the one person I really need to be honest with is myself. What do I REALLY want in a relationship? Am I really a down-to-earth lady? Do I really want a long term relationship or just a buddy to hang out with and have a good time? To be honest... it changes from day to day and with every person I meet. But when I am getting the "first meeting/chat interview" I am honest. I figure what have I got to lose? If I fib it only comes back to bite me in the ass later.

There are degrees of honesty finding a wallet and returning it to the owner with all the cards and money accounted for, telling a friend you love her new outfit when you think it's really hideous, getting too much change back from a clerk and giving her back the overage, or telling someone you are doing great when you want to curl up in a ball and cry all day. As I work through my daily tasks honesty is challenged all the time. But does that make me dishonest? I could be less brutally honest sometimes. I have been called "snarky" which when I hear this word I think "bitch". Ya sometimes I am snarky. I can be brutally honest when asked my opinion. 

About.com says "Friends don't want you to lie to them, but they also don't need you to lay your negative opinions on them. There is a balance between honesty and just blurting out words that can harm for years to come. Filter yourself to make sure you respond without jealousy or anger, which can also add to brutal honesty rather than gentle honesty." I have a hard time with filters as most of you probably know by now. I say what I mean and mean what I say. If I hurt your feelings, TELL ME. I may not even realize it and you should be honest with me. I will try to be nicer next time.

Reflections 10/18: This says it all. I tend to over think everything when it comes to "relationships". Was it something I said, was it something I did, or wore, or or and and... I always want to help, heal, and protect. I get that from my mother. I don't know any other way. But one thing I read wayyyyyy back when I was 16 years old and my heart was broken (can't even remember by who) I remember I was with my BFF Bonnie, taking care of a Horse named Andromeda. There was a newspaper and I always read Ann Landers so I turned to that page. I copied it down and still have that copy. I try to remember this when I start having anxiety over what is happening in the guy’s head. This is what it said. 

"Comes The Dawn
Author: Veronica A. Shoffstall
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn...
With every goodbye you learn."

Reflections 10/19: perspective - a mental view or outlook. Everyone has opinions and views on what it right or wrong. But as we roll into these last few weeks before the election I would like to give you my perspective on question 1 here in Maine. As most of you know I've been divorced a few times. I don't regret marrying the men I did but in hindsight it may not have been the right choice at the right time. Will I ever marry again? Who the hell knows or cares! However I had/have a CHOICE to marry. Many of my friends are currently not allowed to marry their beloved ones because in the dictionary it says marriage is between a man and a woman. Well Wikipedia says "Marriage (also called matrimony or wedlock) is a social union or legal contract between people called spouses that create kinship. The definition of marriage varies according to different cultures, but is usually an institution in which interpersonal relationships, usually intimate and sexual, are acknowledged. Such a union is often formalized via a wedding ceremony. In terms of legal recognition, most sovereign states and other jurisdictions limit marriage to two persons of opposite sex or gender in the gender binary, and some of these allow polygynous marriage. Since 2000, several countries and some other jurisdictions have legalized same-sex marriage. In some cultures, marriage is recommended or compulsory before pursuing any sexual activity." The term is evolving just like nature does. But even before lexicographers one very wise man said "Marriage is the union of two different surnames, in friendship and in love, in order to continue the posterity of the former sages, and to furnish those who shall preside at the sacrifices to heaven and earth, at those in the ancestral temple, and at those at the altars to the spirits of the land and grain. ~ Confucius". I say let everyone who can vote, or serve our country, or pay taxes have the RIGHT TO CHOOSE who they can marry. How can it hurt YOU, me, or anyone for that matter, to let two people who love each other marry? That's my perspective. Please share yours. VOTE!

Reflections 10/20: today was a mix for me. I woke up early, did some cruising on Facebook and POF but decided that I needed to sleep more. So I closed my eyes and woke up at 11:40. Keep in mind that I didn't go to sleep until after 2:00. I got up and had my usually cups of coffee while visiting with my virtual neighbor Paula Jean in MA. I also started chatting with a new friend from POF. After a text from my gallooping buddy I showered and she picked me up for grocery shopping. As I stepped outside I realized that I had been lazing away a beautiful day. So as soon as the goods were stashed in my cupboards, goggles, jacket, gloves were donned and poodle started jumping excitedly. I knew lily wouldn't mind hanging out alone for a few hours. We headed to our favorite short spin route to camp Ellis and as we headed down Beach Street Buffy saw a couple of wedding parties taking photos at our first stop. Since she was already barking like crazy because I had slowed down making the crowds of people turn and laugh, I decided to skip the Laurel Hill cemetery. If you have never just driven through you really should. So off we continued down to Ferry Rd where one of my POF friends was working in his yard. A quick stop to say hello and a hug and off we went. At this point a thick fog had rolled in and the beautiful day had turned dreary. But we stayed our course because we are in Maine after all. If you don't like the weather, just wait a minute. Next stop Camp Ellis pier to take some foggy pictures. There was a muffled, soft, quiet in the air (once I shut off the bike and Buffy stopped barking that is). I snapped a few pics and took in a few deep breaths and off we went to Pine Point. The fog combined with the high tide made for a peaceful slow spin to OOB. We pulled into the park at OOB but all the spaces were taken so we kept moving. As we rode down East Grand we got lots of points and smiles. As we rolled into the parking area at pine point fisherman's co-op we saw a flock of gulls take off. We parked and snapped some pictures. So off we went back towards OOB we saw Steve in his yard so we stopped for Buffy to say hello. It was getting colder and foggier so we decided to head homeward but as we drove out of OOB and into Saco the sun reemerged for the fog and it was warm and we decided to take the long way home. It was this ride down South Street in Biddeford to Rt 5 to Boom road that my urge to take pictures overpowered me. I stopped almost everywhere my mouth dropped from nature’s beauty. The leaves, bare trees against rich green grass, the blue cloudy sky and the gorgeous setting sun. This is my favorite time of day. When there is a burst of color and the earth slowly closes her eyes and allows the darkness to blanket the beauty. This is the time of day when most people wind down their busy days, gather the family together for dinner or family time. For me, I feed the fur kids, do my chores, cruise FB to see what the rest you were doing. You are my family and I'm glad to be able to share a few minutes with you. Thank you.